Batik

Today Batik passed to a different plane of existence. Yes, a cat. Or should I say a friend? This is where words fail and mislead us to our worst mistakes. There is not a relative value in what we live, since there is no hierarchy in love. Batik left an important lesson I want to share: in the end a human is just a human; a cat simply a cat; a smile a mere smile. 

I shall never miss anything for its materiality. What one misses is the gap left in one's existence. Unfortunately I could not spend the last few months with Batik and I will never be allowed to again. Little things don't have little importance: my tears were no different and my heart did not race at a different pace. So did I just lose a cat? I lost a part of my existence, so make sure you live every smile like it's the last you will see; take every step like it's the last time you will walk. Live fully and love fully. I did not lose just a cat. 'Til next time Batik

My beating heart

I wish I knew the right path. I wish I remembered how to walk. How to walk alone. I wish I could tell you I know, I knew and I have always known. I lived life without emotions, not knowing right or wrong. Painless and bland life. Nothing and no one changed my mind. It's easier to have a fake smile than to be happy. Easier to fake tears than to go through the pain of being sad. I have always chosen the easy path in life. The only way to follow a clear and safe path... But there was a glow to your hair. When I first saw you I guess I must have drowned in your eyes. Tried to reach for your heart by touching you slowly. Since then I have seen your eyes in tears. Real tears. And your face with a smile. A real smile. I share your emotions and I am living a new and unique life. You are true beauty. I feel myself in you. I cry your tears and smile your happiness. More than external beauty you have a key for my self well being. I forgot how to walk alone. I carry a piece of you in me. I have now lived the most beautiful thing in life... I have reached your heart so that mine could start beating. Thank you.

Tomas Roda

(to continue)

Please take my heart and crush it
Since holding it is not exciting anymore.
Make sure to do it slowly, don't rush it
Crush it and then do it once more.

I gave up my tears
And a smile on your face I've drawn,
I've dwelled with your fears
So that your demons are forever gone.

My Angel

I never had faith in my life. I never really had faith in me. As a kid I was a walking flaw, a defect of nature. I grew up into a useless teen. A weak being, in a bubble of my own sorrows. A boat floating in a river, no pads, nowhere to go.

I grew up hopeless, I gave up before I knew how to win. I've remained doubtful and unforgiving of my own mistakes ever since. I forgot how it feels to be happy and out of worry. Left my own securities to opt for an insecure life. Never learned how to love, and never really understood how to hate. Looking back I have always been an emotionless shadow, walking down the street unnoticed, hiding away from the street lamps in the coldest of nights. 

I wish I could remember my last well-rested night. A night where I dreamt of a perfect life. I materialized love and I grew into someone. I was flawless in that dream. But it soon ended. 

I stumbled across an Angel not too long ago. A clear soul, stainless. A powerful and unique mind. A materialization of a dream. A once perfect dream. I lost track of who I was, of who I am. When you see an Angel you forget about who you have always been. Your Demons are dead now. Your emotions change.

Once you see an Angel you transcend. And when you transcend you don't have names for what you feel or who you are. You feel a new level of Love. An unconditional emotion that fulfills you and consumes you. My flaws are under control because an Angel is now next to me. I expect nothing else than that perfect dream I used to have. Not for me to dream it, but for the Angel, since an Angel deserves perfection more than a flawed human does.

I have realized that a heart full of jealousy and doubt serves me no good. A flawed heart has no space for an Angel. Only in having a pure heart or a desire to have one will I ever be able to transcend and share the purity of the purest of the hearts: the heart of the Angel I met, the heart of the Angel I dream of, the heart of my Angel(a).

Until eternity and beyond,

Tomás Roda 

Angels never drown

Angels never drown.

Let me drown in my own tears, but do not drown in yours. Let me drown in your own tears, since your tears are my own.

Waking up and I have a glance at you: whether it rains or not, whether I cry or not, my day always starts bright and ends bright. Thankful for having you when you fall asleep. Because you choose to fall asleep next to me. Thankful when you shout at me because in the end I am the one you choose to shout at. And as I fall asleep...

...In my nightmares you are not around, and in my dreams all I see is you.

 Please let me drown in my own tears, since my tears are from loving you.


 Tomas Roda

Candles

People love too often and they do it too little. It's like opting for using ten small candles to brighten up a room instead of using a lamp. The most reliable source of light, the one that will not leave you alone in the dark should be the preferred one and, of uttermost importance, the only that you will keep with you. Loving should be lived. In fact, one shall only live while capable of loving. Companionship should not be ephemerous and of little importance. Your companion should keep you off the dark for the rest of your life. Candles are not worth the time. If the flame is weak it will perish with a simple breeze. A lamp will only fall down with an earthquake. My words today are far from romantic, candles are much more romantic than lamps (or at least the majority of the weak minded think so). But I hate candles. Today I hate candles. Our flame is eternal: you keep me off the dark and if I perished today I know you would keep my world brighter for all eternity, a burning flame to keep me company through life and beyond. Tomás Roda

All that I know

I don't know if I smile more now or if I enjoy life more intensely than I used to. All that I know is I understand myself better. I'm now aware of my limits. Limits of effort and the limits of joy. Looking back I don't think I am a better person today than I used to be. But you make me want to be the best person possible. You are better than me in so many ways that I feel better myself. It is an enormous cliche to say I would do everything for you or that I wouldn't be able to live without you. I just know I do more for you than I would do for me. I just know I don't need to think about a life without you because that will not happen. Not ever. We are one. And a soul can't be broken in half. All that I know is I know nothing and in you I find everything I've always wanted to know. Tomas Roda

Late you

I like you. I like your grumpy face when I annoy you. I like your laughter when I make a funny remark. I love it how your eyes shut when you smile. I wouldn't live without you telling me how stupid I am sometimes. I adore your critiques and your way of never settling down. I even like it when you cry. You cry because you want a meaning for everything you do in life. I like it because I know you will find it. I like everything about you, even everything I hate. I'd rather share a silence with you than have it by myself. You're here with me when I have a nightmare. So now I even like my nightmares. I have you on my mind when you are around. I have you on my soul when I don't have you on my mind. There are so many things I want to say to you but the words never come up. I don't even think they exist. "I love you". Normal people would say this. I like it how your heart must have raced as soon as you read "I love you". I like so much in you, that love is not the word. Love is not enough. Love will never be enough. I late you.

And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite...

Sometimes I wish I could freeze a moment in time. Save it in the safest of places to be visited anytime I'd like. I'd visit your eyes, visit your skin, visit a kiss, visit our talks, visit sadness and happiness. Life is a rollercoaster of emotions. The best of emotions will only sustain when one is able to overcome all problems that may arise with time. So let me take a mental picture of you right now: it seems I have done everything wrong and could not have let you down more than I did. I also want to freeze this moment. For some reason you are still as perfect when you are bitter as when you are sweet. I cherish every waking moment I spend with you. Even every sleeping moment when you are around. I don't like to see you cry because I might drown in your tears... but in contradiction I don't mind drowning in your smile, as I do. I hate apologizing because I demand perfection. And being perfect leaves no room for apologies. It's the favourite word of the weak and I don't want to use it with you. Perfection requires perfection. I'd never miss you if I could freeze a moment in time. I miss your smile already even knowing I will see it soon, and drown myself in the happiness your presence brings. Always. And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite... Tomás Roda

My Reflection

I'm at a loss for words. I'm happy to the extent in which happy is no longer the word to use. I can't tell you when I started loving you. Moreso, I don't think it ever did start. I feel like I've known you forever and I was just waiting for you to come into my life. You are but an extension of my being and with that I attain a sense of fullfilment I would not get by loving you only. Love is an euphemism, not applicable in our unique situation (don't try and explain this to anyone, no one will understand how strong this feeling we share is). And as I am at this loss for words I like to simply look at you and see a reflection of the most perfect of emotions. I shall forever be lost and in you I shall always find me. My soulmate, my reflection.

The echo of my words

Do not dare to read my words. There's only void in what I write. I am but a fearful soldier, a forsaken wanderer, falling into the darkest pit. And as I drown myself in sorrow, I lie. I lie in what I write so that the pain is lost in the echo of my words.

Tomás Roda

O eco das palavras

Não me leias nem me ouças. Não há sentir no que digo. Os meus olhos guardam os oceanos do coração que minha boca não alcança. Minto no que escrevo. Minto para que a verdade fuja, perdida no eco das palavras.

Tomás Roda

Perfection II

I wish upon a life without time. A never ending journey since it is never starting. A never ending day since the sun never rose. It's the pressure of existence that creates imperfection... And it all starts as the sun rises.

I wish I could write this without expectations. And that you could read this in the same manner. Perfection is mine and it's yours, don't share it. If I ever write it down, don't read it. If you ever live a perfect moment, don't claim it. Just let it be...

I only wish upon a timeless day. I would then make that day my life and we'd stare at the sun rise forever. In perpetual perfection.

Tomás Roda

A meaningful walk

Sometimes I wish upon a life without expectations. Knowing not where a path may lead, whilst embracing uncertainty as a precedent behaviour for an enjoyable walk. Enjoyable as it leads nowhere. Enjoyable as there's happiness in solely walking.

A life without expectations, without owning or wanting. Seeing beauty in appreciation and in simply being. The more I love life, the less I need it. The less I need it, the happier I get. Loving is living, and more importantly, living in independence. Knowing we are one and one only, all travelling across the same path ignorant to its final destination. Enjoy the walk, among friends and foes, equally appreciative of both without needing either of them. In the end our footprints are the same and as they disappear in front of the oblivious Universe, they were only meaningful to the joyful walker travelling nowhere.

Tomás Roda

In the light of Being

The mere idea of being is tiresome. Breathing per se is exhausting. Thinking breaks me down even further. I've never been fond of realisations, of knowing who I am or where I am going. Knowledge is an addiction and a painful one. Loving is a form of knowing. Becoming aware of how much we care and how much we can give to someone or something. It's the most selfish of all feelings. We love to be loved back. We love to feel happy. And so we build our existence attached to this idea of fragile joy, a naive certainty that it will never fade away. We live the day never expecting the sunset and when the sun does set we get lost in the dark forgetful that the most intense of the lights resides within us. The sun is no more than a wanderer among stars, let your inner light guide your own way.

Tomás Roda

Explicações

Não sei que de mim quero.

Na luz da vela que se apaga,

Silêncio que veloz se propaga

Sei que na escuridão não desespero.

Desconheço quem serei.

Dormir sem sonho a recordar,

Barco velejando sem saber o mar

Em ver demais eu me ceguei.

Nunca soube quem era.

No vermelho do Sol que escapa,

Agarro o manto negro que me tapa

E voo; sabendo que a vida não espera.

Tomás Roda

From above

When the world is seen from above, problems are mere wrinkles in the face of the Earth. Wrinkles like roads. Roads like veins. Veins that carry the blood of the wanderers, the despair of the lost. Closer to the sun in a place where raindrops are smaller than your own tears, there is nothing as beautiful as seeing the world from above. Enjoy it, with the certainty that you will soon fall back into reality.

Tomás Roda

No title

Knowing you don't know,
When you try to stop trying.
When you've gone but you didn't want to go.
When you cry and you keep on crying.

It's when you lose what was already lost
And you find what has never been found.
Pay the price, unaware of the cost,
Silence wishing you could make a sound.

When you repeat what you have repeated
And you do what can't be done.
Try and cheat with no chance of cheating
I can't say goodbye to what's already gone.

I can't.

Tomás Roda

Blank

There is nothing more difficult than looking at a blank piece of paper. A desire to write but no idea of what words to use or how to stitch them together. Focusing on the content and on making writing aesthetically pleasing to the hear, the author forgets the reason that brought this piece of paper to life. Be aware that whatever is put into words will not be as raw as it should be. Words, sentences, paragraphs... these vehicles of thought are just barriers to the full expression of an ill mind. While it should be the cure to sickness, writing becomes the origin of self-destructive human beings. It's a maze one can't get out of. There's always a better way of expression, all of them faulty representations of a bleeding soul. The writer will settle to swimming in a glass of water knowing there is a river. Lost in the maze.

Sometimes I wish there was no blank piece of paper. But it never happens. So while I am listening to the drops of water harmoniously flowing across the river, the nightmare begins again. Here I am, a bleeding soul, with just a pen to fight my demons. There is nothing more difficult than looking at a blank piece of paper with a bleeding soul and an empty mind.

Tomás Roda

Letter

If I ever write a letter to you it will be short.
Emotionless. I don't like emotions of any sort.
It won't be about love, either lost or found,
Nor about how the world revolves faster when you are around.
It won't make you happy or sad.
I am not writing a love story either, they always end bad.

No memory of what I wrote or who I am you will hold.
It won't leave you warm inside, neither it will leave you dead cold.
With "Dear", written above.
A letter that will not end in "Love".

It will have no ending whatsoever.
If I ever write a letter to you it will be short... but I will make it last forever.

Tomás Roda